Picture In Phoenixville, Pennsylvania (Suburb Of Philadelphia)
It’s 5:30 in the evening, here in Philadelphia (Pennsylvania). Evenings have been the most challenging and are one of the main reasons for my starting this blog.
I’ve been ill for over ten years and different times of the year effect me. What I’ve come to learn is that my immune system has been attacking my endocrine system. One result of this is a thyroid disease, but other things like my adrenals are effected as well. It would seem that one of the long term effects of dealing with the stress and challenges of complex trauma is that those emotional issues eventually effected me in a physical way as well. In essence, my body eventually began to give out.
Fortunately, I’ve been working with a good doctor for a number of years now and this has helped to improve the physical symptoms. However, while I have gotten better, many symptoms are still present.
But beyond that, early afternoons and evenings are a challenge because my wife and son are home. During the day, I have more energy and quiet. But when I pick up my son, I loose the silence and solitude which I had during the day. As I love them both, this isn’t a bad thing, but with the increase of my symptoms, it’s more difficult to interact with them in the way I would like to.
To be honest, part of the discomfort and difficulty comes from all the years I lived with my parents and siblings. Then, there was no place of safety if anyone was in the house. There were no boundaries and I could feel any emotional tension which anyone brought in with them. Violence could break out spontaneously, without any warning, and so I developed a hypersensitivity to anyone around and about anything they were feeling. This isn’t magic or some odd superpower, it was a survival skill which had been developed and honed over the course of many decades.
The problem is that even now, twenty or more years after I stopped living with anyone I grew up with, the discomfort and feeling of imposition – the sensation of a lack of boundaries – still remains and continues to effect me. This is true even though I have nothing to worry about from my spouse or child. Certainly nothing like the situation I grew up in.
Another challenge is that, despite many years of therapy, I haven’t been able to function much for a rather long time. This, of course, is a long story, but the basic reason why I ended up this way was due to intense stress, overwork and the onset of my illness.
This is rather frustrating.
It’s not that I like or dislike working, it’s that I feel that there is a purpose for me to accomplish, some reason for being, a life meant to actualize – to manifest – whatever I’m capable of doing. I’m not one who enjoys sitting around and doing nothing for the sake of nothing. I have no desire to watch TV all day or play video games or surf for lol cats (or whatever). There are some folks who do enjoy that and I have no opinion one way or the other about such folks. For myself, I see meaning and purpose everywhere and in everything…and I want to be a part of that. I want to take my place amongst that, in whatever way my path takes me.
I had to stop writing because my son’s therapy ended. So this may seem a bit disjointed. It’s now after 8 PM.
The bottom line is that afternoons and evenings are tough. That’s the reason why I want to try writing here. I need to do something which is proactive and positive, rather than continuing to languish during the latter parts of days. I want to find some community which I can listen to and speak to; a community which understands where I’m coming from and what I’m trying to say without having to (futilely) explain it.
I have no family or any friends. Those friends I do have are really those my wife has known for most of her life. Nice folks, but I don’t have the connection to them that she does and there are aspects and challenges my wife has which I should best steer clear of. My parents family are poisonous and destructive for me. For now, I can’t be in contact with them. Though deeply hurt, I do not wish ill of them, but I’m not at a place right now where I can be in contact with them. Certainly, I can’t ever approach them in need of support.
I don’t know. I enjoy writing and the WordPress blogs about complex trauma seem to be a “good fit.” If I’m unable to find assistance in the people around me, then I’ll keep looking until I find those whom I can call “fellow travelers.” I can’t be the only one who thinks and feels the way I do. I can’t be the only one who sees what I see and feels what I feel. The night is long and the journey far, but if I can do nothing more than search for such folks, then that must be my quest.
Be Well And Know That I Wish You Peace And Contentment,