A Bit Grainy, But This Is Center City Philadelphia From The Steps Of The “Franklin Institute”
@ 10:24 PM – Just got back from a movie with my son. Tonight went well and we both had a really good time. Last night was tough. My wife, son and I went to the local mall just to walk around and then we had dinner at a restaurant. Last night I struggled with a great many things from my physical symptoms to all that happened the previous week.
I think the thing which helped is I spent most of the day writing and reading blogs. I got lost in the process and it was helpful to spend time within that space.
It’s strange, when I was single, I was desperately lonely and the only thing I really wanted was to find a partner, a soul-mate, where it would be us against the world and not caring about all the craziness which surrounds us here in the North-East US. Now that I’ve been with my wife for so many years, I’ve come to find that I treasure my solitude and my time alone. It’s not that I regret my family or don’t love them deeply, it’s just that part of my issue has been setting boundaries with others. I give all that I have and all that I am…but then become angry and resentful about the results and consequences of it. This gives my wife mixed messages which have been difficult for her to understand and I’ve been working on trying to be consistent with my offers as well as my expectations.
One of the challenges have been nights like tonight. There have been times when my wife has been working or out with friends where I initially said (and honestly meant) that all was well and it was fine. But later in the evening I grew angry at her absence and lack of communicating. There’s a great deal of history, as well as background, here and I need to stick to my own issues. I can only say that my wife is as loving and giving as I have tried to be and, in the past, she had certain friends and acquaintances who wanted all her time and attention – to the exclusion of my son and I.
We’ve made our way through and worked out a better way of relating and of setting expectations. The trouble is – one of my troubles – is that there is still a great deal of anger and resentment which can still flair up in the evenings. This, even though those other friends are no longer an issue.
Writing tonight is putting things in perspective and helping me to be present with the life which now is. This is one reason why I wanted to write this blog. If I don’t stay present, I laps back into that world which was – a world even before I met my wife. That is a world in which emotion and old patterns of thought invoke the darkness as well as that Minotaur within the maze I then wander. That’s why I named this blog what I did. As I search and strive to find my way out, there’s always that primal presence, that beast, stalking me in the darkness. When I’m not “present,” I run on the habits and assumptions of the past – it’s an “automated” way of living which only sees darkness, only feels pain, only experiences anxiety and dread – and is always hopeless and helpless.
I’m not trying to say I found some magical formula and everything is great now. They’re not and I still feel as if I’m lashed down by these peculiar emotional restraints.
I’ve been trying to find my way through the maze since 2014, trying any number of things in stumbling forward. Until now, and even now, I hear the beast off in the darkness, coming ever closer, and I haven’t yet been able to even get far enough away to prevent it from finding and brutalizing me again.
I don’t need my parents or their family anymore, the beast they created now lives within.
It is possible to be free of it. To defeat it and find my way out. This is something that I can only say I believe. Oddly, though I have no hope, I still believe it’s possible to slay and dispel it. It’s a strange contradiction which I can’t explain: I FEEL it’s hopeless, but I KNOW it can be overcome.
Writing helped in the past. But since the difficulties of a few years ago, I haven’t been able to write much. Joining this blogging community seems to help. Even if I’m just sending these words out into the ether (and no one every sees or reads it), somehow this type of writing does seem to help.
We’ll have to see. I’ll keep trying different things until I find something which works. I may never find a path or way which ultimately resolves all this (or at least makes it manageable). Thing is, I’m too stubborn to quit. My stubbornness has made my issues more difficult to address, but it’s also been helpful in not let me give up completely. In this way, I’m fortunate.
We’ll just have to see. I can only be grateful that today has gone better than the previous week and that I’ve been able to at least hide from that Minotaur (for today), if not beat it back or kill it.
Right now is for right now. Tomorrow is something I’ll work to not think about until that day begins.
As always, I wish you all a sense of peace and repose,