Just Checking In

I’m embarrassed by my entry yesterday.

I was hoping that writing would help me process things and help me get through the day in a better state of mind. It doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I’m not sure how helpful this blog is.

The people I’ve meet here have been great. Very helpful. But I don’t seem to be any better off making these entries.

What I need. What I would think we all need. Is a support system. I have no family or friends. It’s not right to weigh my son down with my own issues. He’s a child and needs my support. He needs to grow up the way all children should. He seems happy and is doing well. I’m very proud of him.

My wife and I have difficulty connecting. It’s been a very long road and there’s a lot of healing which needs to be done. I’m completely devoted to our marriage, but there’s been a lot of misunderstandings and hurts on both sides. It will take time to heal and rebuild.

I’m just tired of the pain. Tired of fending it off all the time. I’ve just never had a support system. I’ve never wanted to admit that I needed anyone else because many of the people I’ve worked with or been around have proven hurtful and untrustworthy. Many others have been very decent people, but they’ve retreated or changed the subject when I’ve tried to discuss what’s been going on. Friendships take time to build and the level of intimacy required to discuss deep issues isn’t always possible. There are different types and levels of friendship and that’s fine. I just haven’t been able to find the sort of folks whom I could share my deeper struggles. Lots of really nice folks out there. Just none whom I could look to for support.

I walk. I go to therapy once a week. I try different techniques at home. I research different possibilities to see if there’s something I’m missing or an incorrect perspective I have. I try to process emotion as best as I can, but I just can’t…seem…to be free of it. I even took medication for a while and that was a complete disaster. Medication can help, but it needs to be the proper medication for the appropriate issue.

I’m tired of hearing “just get over it.” I’m tired of hearing “that was in the past and your here now.” The thing about complex trauma is that these things aren’t in the past, they’re living, breathing creatures alive and well within. The challenge is to process and dissipate the emotional energy which feeds and nurtures them. A support system would help.

I don’t want to feel or be this way anymore. I’ve tried everything I can think of and done research and sought help from all the appropriate people. I won’t quit, but this situation is very frustrating and discouraging.

Don’t know. Just thought I’d touch base.

We’ll just have to see how it all goes.

We well, all,

Theseus

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One thought on “Just Checking In

  1. I think I’ve read almost every post you’ve published, because I care and I’m interested in what you have to say. I’m sad you felt embarrassed as I’ve personally benefitted from everything you’ve wrote…but I understand if writing isn’t benefitting you then there doesn’t seem much point in going on. With complex PTSD, our world view and perceptions on relationships and friendships can be distorted. Trust and emotional intimacy is craved, but difficult. Why not take a break from writing and just search for complex PTSD blogs and read them and leave comments… have comment chats with people, which may then develop into emailing or skyping over time. You’re still new to this. With the survivor community, sometimes we are struggling under the weight of our own histories so cannot communicate much, but when we feel in a stronger place we are able to give more. That’s the nature of us. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low and discouraged. I understand why you feel that way and I feel like that a lot myself, but we keep going. I’m glad you’ve said how you feel. I’ll be around as much as I can for you ok 💖

    Liked by 1 person

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