(Some sand pipers outside of a motel room in Cape May, New Jersey)
Hello all, I’m back again.
A few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure how helpful writing a blog would be. While I do have time, my energy level and other symptoms restrict how much I’m able to do. Because of this, I need to be rather selective about what I try to achieve each day.
It’s late afternoon here and I’m also rather “foggy,” so please bare with me.
The problem is, I really need to find some way to process the complex trauma. Therapy once a week just doesn’t seem to be enough and my finances are limited. I had thought of looking around for some sort of support group. Trouble is, such a group would be filled with others like me and wouldn’t be led by any sort of therapist. I already have boundary issues and difficulty with relationships. If others struggle as I do, I’m not sure how effective or helpful such a group would be. To be honest, I’d like to take a week or month and go to some sort of complex trauma monastery to do some really intense, constant work. At 50 I’ve already been struggling with all this longer than I’ve wanted to. I’d really like to make a push and do some intense work.
It’s not that I think I’ll every completely “get over it” (ug! what a phrase). I’d like to get to a point where I’m at least functional. Doing the dishes or writing a blog entry seem to be the biggest challenges I can tackle at this point. Even then, I’m not always able to do that. I spent most of today staring at the wall and half paying attention to bad tv shows. For me, this is frustrating. Until I became really ill, I was always doing something. I worked a lot of hours and spent the remainder of my time devoted to my spouse and child. Doing nothing has never been enjoyable. Even if I take a morning walk and look at the woods surrounding me, I still don’t consider that “nothing.”
Getting back to the support system, I wish I was able to meet and work with others on these issues. The blogging community has been wonderful. Yet not being to interact with others or talk directly leaves me with the feeling that there’s just something missing. For someone with boundary / relationship issues, that must sound odd. But I’m the sort of person who likes to jump in at the deep end of the pool and address any issues I may have immediately and directly.
Alas, it would seem that we all meet here, together, but in mutual isolation. Very strange.
I would say, though, that it does seem to help if I read through everyone’s writings and offer support and validation. That’s certainly something we all need and the relative anonymity of blogging for each other may actually be helpful in a way. Blogging allows us the space and control that we need in reaching out to others. It seems to allow us to say things to each other that we wouldn’t be able to express to someone sitting in the room with us. If I can help in some way by being here for everyone, I think that’s a rather good thing.
Mabye I do belong here. Maybe writing and connecting with others here could prove helpful.
Just keep writing everyone. I do follow new entries in the “reader” section of WordPress. Though I may not always reply (or reply quickly), know that I want to be a validating presence for you as your writing.