(Sorry, I don’t have time to enter a picture)
Today, I’m struggling with emotion. I did have a therapy appointment, but the emotions I’m struggling with have been going on for hours and days before the therapy appointment.
The challenge has been that despite all the prior years of therapy, I still struggle with the emotional residue which was so instilled within me and of which I absorbed so much. Understanding and insight are helpful and I’m most grateful for all I’ve learned. However, there’s a difference between a logical, cognitive “thinking” and the sort of logic and “thinking” of emotion.
Cognition is logical, reasoned and there’s a balanced equation of cause and effect. Emotion has these things as well…but it doesn’t work like cognition does.
Cognitive or left brain thinking follows the laws of math, physics and all the rest of those types of sciences. Yet emotion has a math and physics all it’s own and is something which the cognitive, left brain stuff just can’t reason with or comprehend. Yet this right brain emotional stuff is no less valid and has no less a structure of reason and logic – it’ just emotional logic, not cognitive logic.
This is something I never even considered until about a year ago. There are many things which I’ve analyzed, thought through and come to understand. Yet, as I’m sure you all know, there is a reason and understanding of the heard which that left brain can’t work out. As I’m writing this, a quote comes to mind:
“The heart has reasons which reason can not know.” – Pascal
Another interesting thing is that all my life, I’ve known that I have visual and auditory processing disorders. I spent much of my school years doing exercises to help me be able to process such information better. I’m not sure it helped, as I still switch numbers and letters around when dialing a number or writing, but I’ve been able to compensate and accommodate these issues. The thing is that I understand now that it takes me more time to understand what I read (see) or hear. I need to do extra prep work before hand and allow myself more time to comprehend information.
Yet, strangely, I never understood that there is emotional processing which needs to be accommodated and compensated for as well.
Looking back, it certainly makes sense. Of all the things I’ve experienced, it seems to follow that no only was I overwhelmed in what I saw and heard…but what I felt as well.
I’ve come to understand that, as with my vision and hearing, I need to learn how to process and manage my emotions as well. In a way, I’m fortunate in that I am able to exert some form of “control” over my emotions. Of course “control” is a relative term. It’s not as if I can “will” myself to be happy and confident. Nor is it true that I can just “chose” to have a different emotional reaction to things which trigger and invoke dark terrors which live within me. However, I’m fortunate in that, like my dyslexia, I can plan ahead (to a certain extent) to avoid certain situations or be mindful of things which trigger intense reactions. I’m still not able to respond to things in the way others (who haven’t had the experiences I’ve had) can. But in avoiding things which I know are emotionally overwhelming and being mindful of the reactions I’m having in response to certain situations, circumstances and people, I can better accommodate and compensate for the intensity of the emotional reactions I have.
As with the dyslexia, I’ll still emotionally “switch” the numbers and letters around. Accommodating isn’t the same as being “normal” or having “normal” reactions. But I can work towards not having such an intense, long lasting, reaction that I completely lose it. I’m not saying this is easy. I’m not saying it resolves everything – wounds don’t disapere, they’re only turned into scars. But I’d much rather deal with the scars, than continue to writhe in the pain of festering wounds.
There’s so much more to write about this and I’m sure it seems rather simplistic. However, I don’t want my entries to be overly long and I’m running out of space here.
Just something I’ve been thinking about which I hope makes sense.