Having difficulty today. I don’t want to write, but it’s important to remain productive.
One thing I’ve done is created a tech group to study programming languages. I’ve been trying to study on my own and the combination of my illness and the CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) has prevented me from making any progress. My thinking is that if I can work with others in trying to learn tech issues, that may provide enough momentum for me to move forward. I don’t have the funds to go back to college and since my son will be graduating from high school soon, he needs what ever we can scrape together more than I do. Not only that, but I find the pace of classes to be too rushed and restricted. When I’ve studied in the past, I do better with no set time frame.
However, it’s been years since I worked with anyone else at this sort of thing. With my son being ill and my being ill since the early 2000’s, the only people I’ve worked with are doctors and physical therapists. But even beyond that, there are social issues I struggle with which originate in the way I was raised and my later experiences in my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. The thyroid issues create conditions of anxiety and irritability. The CPTSD issues create triggers with interpersonal interactions and social situations which make most types of social situations extremely uncomfortable for me at best. There was a time when just going to the banks and standing in line to make a deposit or even getting a hair cut would cause intense panic, even tremors. For whatever reason, the negative experiences I’ve had with family, friends, romantic relationships and employment have far outweighed the positive ones.
Yet I know that people are just people. I know that the vast majority of people are just trying to go about their daily lives in the best way that they can. People in abusive relationships tend to become entangled and trapped within those relationships and negative, abusive relationships tend to attract and entangle one in ever more of them. I’ve worked very hard at creating healthy boundaries with others and learn the basic social skills which kindergartners acquire. The trouble is, when one is raised in an abusive home one learns unhealthy ways of interacting with others. Normal social interactions and cues are unfamiliar things which forever seem…well, just plain odd.
So this tech group isn’t about just learning a new skill, it’s also about learning how to interact and relate to people in a more healthy way. Certainly, I’ve met some very sick, twisted people. However, I know that these folks are really the exception to the rule. I believe that most people are just regular folks. I’d like to learn how to spend time with such people, even meet and develop friendships with some truly exceptionally loving, compassionate people. The world I see is dark – very dark. Yet I know that there is much more beyond what I can see. I can’t be the only person who believes in empathy, compassion, “win-win,” inclusion. If I think of and believe in these things, there have to be others. I also know that I need to seek out more than the assumptions of what I think I see (in others). I’m not a child anymore. I can choose who I spend time with, with those whom I work with, and I can avoid those who are more hurtful and unhealthy.
I’m terrified of the first meeting next week which I set up. However, I’ve never had a problem with situations which terrify me. For some reason, I’m audacious and determined enough to “jump in the deep end of the pool.” Yes I still struggle and there are times when I’m quite immobilized. Perhaps I’m just too dumb to quit or just can’t see when it’s time to. For all things, there is a time and place to quit (or move on, get closure etc.). Part of my issue in the past has been that I’ve stayed way too long when I know I should have left…should have run for the nearest door.
I’ve set up a meeting and a number of people have committed to coming. What I actually fear is my past. Next week is the start of a new beginning…as well as a continuation of what I’ve been fighting for and working for all these years.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I’m plunging into the darkness to fight the Minotaur!
Be Well, My Friends