Not A Good Night

I always thought I was a good father. After tonight, I’m not so sure.

I’ve been struggling for a long time to do the right thing. The problem is that I may not have been doing enough of the right things.

With my son being sick and my being sick for 10 or more years now, my partner has had to keep us all afloat. Because she didn’t believe I was sick until recently, that has caused damage to our relationship and our marriage.

The challenge is that my child is much more like my partner than me. Because of this, it’s very difficult to meet him where he is than where I am. It’s difficult for him to relate to me. It’s difficult for me to relate to him. I want to talk and discuss any issues or discomforts he has. He, as an assumption, doesn’t want to talk about anything: I talk too much, he doesn’t talk enough.

Talking too much is a problem…not talking enough is a problem as well.

So I find myself in a position where I want to relay what my illness and challenges are in an appropriate way, but that isn’t an option…

…once again, no one wants to hear. I’m just a loser and an ass. Nothing I do is any good or counts for anything.

I don’t want my issues to effect those whom I love. As I always say “my problem is not your problem.”…

…but this doesn’t seem to be enough.

I tried to reach out to my son, as I have at times before. But he has a different way of processing things and I don’t know how to reach him where he is.

This makes me feel profoundly sad.

I don’t want people to accommodate me, I just want to meet others where they are.

Sorry for the bummer entry.

Be Well,
Theseus

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