It All Worked Out Well…Just Never Surrender!

All ended well.

I do what I can to deal with my challenges and issues, but not allow those things to effect my own family. I know all too well what it’s like for parents to lay their own burdens on their children. I’m passionate about not doing that to my own family.

I’ve found that the best thing to do is to be honest about what I’ struggling with and why…but also not go into elaborate details. My partner and child shouldn’t have to help shoulder the burdens which I carry and am striving to ease myself of. When I’m sad or struggling, yes, I tell them. But they don’t need an elaborate history of what my troubles are. My partner gets to hear a little bit more. My child only hears things which will help him grow and avoid the chasms I’ve fallen into; the importance of healthy boundaries; the need for developing a healthy and loving support system; developing the ability to process emotions in a healthy way; self confidence and more.

This is a challenge.

I had a friend in high school who’s mother was on dialysis. As loving and wonderful as his parents were, his mothers illness still effected the family.

CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) adds multiple layers of complexity to living a more healthy life with a partner and children. It is possible that had I understood the complexities involved, I would never have married and definitely not had children. But when my partner and I married, I was progressing very nicely. We were quirky, but that’s not a problem. It’s only when our child became ill, I became ill and the company I worked for changed from a family oriented one to a more profit oriented one, that things really started to become strained and the darker aspects of my past began to assert themselves in more profound and all encompassing ways.

The challenge is to navigate the life I share with my partner and child in a way which allows me to continue to heal, but also allows them to be free of the foibles of my challenges. This, I believe, is the purpose of all parents: Allow your children to thrive in a way which exceeds your own life. I assume that the purpose of parents is for their children to have a better life than the parents have lived – in every conceivable way. Children aren’t puppets or trophies, they’re meant to find their own path and soar to ever greater heights.

God bless my son. He tried to comfort me today. This sent chills down my spine as it’s not the job of children to comfort their parents, it’s the job of the parents to comfort and guide their children. I didn’t cut him off and I gave his advice and comfort a fair hearing. Despite the situation, he’s learned what compassion and empathy mean and I revel in the fact that he not only felt them, but expressed them: Reaching out to me gave him control and power over his worry over my challenges last night.

I’m terrified about the tech meeting I’ve set up for tomorrow and am largely keeping to myself tonight. I told my partner and child this. I didn’t have to go into elaborate details. I just told them I needed space tonight (and they understand and are supportive of that). I’m challenging myself with this meeting and am continuing to strive to be productive and manifest some sort of positive momentum. I feel sick and feel terrified…and I absolutely refuse to quit!

Lets see what the deep end of the pool is like tomorrow! Never surrender!

I can only be the best of who I am…and that’s pretty damn good!

Be Well, My Friends

Theseus

 

P.S. And after this entry…I feel like dancin’…Can’t stop the feelin’

…Be well, my friends!…be at peace!

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