I need to heal. I need time to heal.
I’m tired of being berated and belittled by people who have no idea of what it’s like to live with what I and my “brothers” and “sisters” who’ve experienced real trauma and tragedy in their lives have.
Trauma doesn’t mean not getting a dirt bike or a pony when you were young. Trauma doesn’t have to do with not getting into your preferred college. Trauma doesn’t have to do with working harder to get the promotion or job you wanted. Trauma doesn’t have to do with riding your designer bike faster or working harder at your cardio. Trauma doesn’t have to do with dissatisfaction in your life or wanting more than you have.
Trauma isn’t about the disappointments or challenges in life. Those of us who’ve experienced actual trauma experience those things too…but disappointments and challenges are not trauma.
Trauma is about watching and experiencing all types of violence and abuse, first hand. It’s about waking up in the morning and seeing blood splattered on the wall as your going out the door to your kindergarten class. It’s about being up the night before and watching how that blood got splattered on the wall.
Trauma is about living every moment of your life in terror. Not fear or anxiety, but a terror which makes your whole body shake uncontrollably by the things you’ve seen and experienced – even by simply remembering such intruding thoughts. Trauma is about experiencing violence and abuse so intensely, that you re-experience it over and over and over again, every day, for the rest of your life. Trauma is about forever trying to process and resolve what you’ve seen and experienced by reliving it…but never being able to. Trauma is about trying to forget horrors you don’t want to know about…but never being able to. Trauma is trying to live like other, more normal, people do…but never being able to.
I wish I had experienced disappointments and personal challenges in a way that I thought was actually traumatic. I would like nothing better than to be blissfully unaware of what the realities of terror and trauma are.
Yes, I’m angry. At 50, I’m sick of this. I’ve done nothing but striven to do the right thing, for the right reasons, all my life, and I’ve been punished and mocked for it the entire time. “Just get over it” is the eternal mantra of those who have no idea and no possible clue. To have the audacity to say such a thing means you don’t have the slightest conception of the reality of it all.
All I want to do is do right by my wife and son and the world which surrounds me. I understand all people have wounds and challenges. But why am I attacked and constantly, casually belittled and dismissed by those who don’t even want to look within themselves?
It’s easier to mock and berate me than to actually look within oneself.
Yea, I’m rather angry right now. All I seem to be valued for is an income stream for doctors and another employee working for poverty wages.
I’m more than that. I can offer much more than that, for the benefit of all.
I would carry any whom I meet to greater heights if I could. My child will rise to greater heights because of what I believe and live. Despite my life, I’ve given him more – something vastly different – than what was forced upon me.
Yes, I’m very angry today. I do all I can, but I seem to live a wasted life…
…and that makes me angry.