With reference to my last entry, there are times when I feel very frustrated and deeply alone. My son doesn’t know my darkness, because he hasn’t grown up with that and it’s not something I advertise to him. I don’t hide it or pretend it never happened, but I don’t go into morbid details. My wife doesn’t know such darkness either. She had some challenges growing up. But her life was spent with friends and parties. She had crushes on boys, Villanova Pub crawls (not my wife’s site), lifelong friends and a fulfilling career assisted and directed by mentors and advisors. I am, truly, happy for the lives that they have lead and am grieved that my darkness does sometimes touch them.
The challenge is that there is a very real part of me that they just don’t understand and there is that part of me which just doesn’t understand them. This is a very lonely place to be. Despite their unconditional love and acceptance. Despite their desire to help and comfort when I seem down, there is a chasm between us. I don’t ever want them to know what’s really on my side of it and I conceal the worst of what would be sensationalistic. But that just means they never know, and could never know, what lies within the darkness of the caverns I live in. They love me, and I love them, but…but that means that the world I live in – the world I live in with them – is something they can’t see and could never comprehend. I’m most grateful that they can’t understand or comprehend such things.
However, it makes the place I live (within myself) a truly isolated and lonely place.
I’m not angry with my wife and son. They don’t understand, but are filled with love and compassion. I’m angry with those who don’t understand, but have no empathy or compassion. I’m angry with those who struggle against obstacles, but see nothing beyond themselves or their own challenges. I’m angry with those so self absorbed that they can’t fathom a life different from their own. I’m angry with those who equate their personal challenges and achievements with horrors they can’t even imagine. I’m angry with those who only acquired a sense of personal superiority through their struggles rather than an understanding of the empathy and compassion of what those struggles are meant to teach. If personal “games” of “winning” are all you see, then you don’t understand that life, by definition, is not a “game” and no one, in life, actually “wins.”
I’m angry because I’m alone.
I’m angry because I’m in pain and no one seems to care or understand.
I’m angry because it’s taking all of my life to overcome the basics of life…and most seem to find that funny or contemptible.
I’m angry because I see what many never have too…and I’m condemned for that. I’m accused of seeing phantoms and shadows…
…but they don’t understand that those phantoms and shadows are cast from things which are very real.
Hang In There and Be Well, My Friends,