Before I begin, I want to thank everyone.
I’m finding that writing is helpful and the fact that there is a place where I can go and share my challenges and struggles with others is more helpful than I realized.
So again, before beginning, I want to thank everyone out there. Just knowing your there makes a difference in my days. You’ve helped to ease pain and heal deep wounds.
I want to make an effort to write some positive and uplifting entries. The reason is that I am where I keep my awareness. If I always write about negative, painful things, then that’s where I’ll live. If I write in a way in which I see peace and the beauty of life, then, while I may not live there, I can visit with increasing frequency. The challenges and pain is still here, but I can work it through if I have visions of that peace and beauty of life. I learned to think and feel this way. That means I can teach myself to think and feel differently. I choose the life and world I see. I challenge what I assume and the triggers of emotion. Even if it’s a minuscule movement forward, I choose to struggle in that direction.
This makes me think of a quote from one of my hero’s, Dr Martin Luther King Jr:
“…If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl – but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward…”
Progress and healing has been a long, slow process. I’ve been crawling for many, many years – just about all my life. But I would rather “die on my feet, than live on my knees” (Emiliano Zapata – Mexican Revolutionary patriot). How’s that for a juxtaposition of imagery! (lol)
To be honest, I don’t mind the pain, nor the struggles. I don’t mind the darkness or trying to find my way within it. I don’t mind the discouragement and times of intense frustration, even times of hopelessness. What I want is a way forward. No matter what happened in the past, I just want to find a way forward and I’m stubborn enough and audacious enough to believe and demand that there is something better in life than what I’ve been taught. The core of who I am is actually rather optimistic and determined. However I’ve come to possess such things, I’m deeply grateful that they are there. Even in my darkest, most desperate moments, those things are there.
I know that my entries seem to bounce up and down in terms of mood and tone. The thing is that when this happens, your reading my internal struggle between those forces of “light and darkness.” The core of who I am is positive and upbeat. But all I’ve been taught, all I’ve been inculcated with, has to do with contempt and malice and distrust, hatred, violence and all the other things which lay within that darkness. It’s a titanic struggle within for nothing less than full possession of my soul. It’s a struggle I refuse to relent on. There have been times when I’ve been beaten down for months or even years…but I always, eventually, get back up. I’m not looking for the end. I’m not struggling for “success.” I’m looking, striving and struggling for that which is “better” than before, not an arrival at perfection. I am where I am. My path is my path. I’m continuing ever forward in sprints and spurts over hard won ground.
All I want are the basics of life and nothing more than peace and quiet. Ambitions are for the young and I’m far past those days. Perhaps ambition isn’t exclusively for the young, but at this point in my life, all I want is peace, quiet and the very basics. The fact that having the basics of food, shelter and clothing are so tenuous only adds to the triggers of my anxieties and emotional torrents. This just seems to be the way of things. I’ve stopped asking why, because the answer seem to be that it’s just not for me to know. I’m not sure that I like that answer, but it’s the only one which makes the slightest bit of sense.
All I know is that I can only do the best I can with what I have to work with. I know I need to be at peace within myself, regardless of external circumstance. I can’t think or dwell upon the tumult in the world. I can help where and when I can and work towards self sufficiency, but much of what surrounds me is completely out of my control. The only thing I have control over are my responses – not reactions, but responses – to all which happens around me.
Regardless, I refuse to quit.
Be Well, My Friends