I spoke with my wife this morning about the concerns I wrote about last night. Of course, everything is fine. Our financial situation is still tenuous, but we’re still floating for now! (lol).
I was concerned about finding some way to contribute more. She was concerned that I continue to process the CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) until I can heal enough to gather some momentum. As I mentioned last night, we’re both more concerned with how to help each other than what can be done for ourselves. Another vital thing is that we’re able to communicate with each other, not talk at each other.
Last night is an example of the difficulty I still have with processing thoughts and emotions. CPTSD effects a persons ability to self sooth and process challenges, fears and anxieties. Living in a constant state of the fight or flight response takes it’s toll. Living in that constant state at a young enough age, and for a long enough amount of time, changes a persons normal state of being and awareness: A continuous feeling of impending danger and fear become a normal state of being.
Though I was able to talk things through with my wife, I’m exhausted from being up all night. I’m rather disoriented and worn out from all the intruding thoughts and intense anxiety of last night.
This is how it is with CPTSD. Being effected by such intense experiences for so long (when I was young), I react more intensely to challenges and situations which aren’t that difficult, some of which are only inconveniences. To defend yourself against violence and assault, you need to be constantly watchful and vigilant in order to read people and situations – in order to anticipate when such things might happen. The signs are not always obvious and sometimes violence can erupt in an instant. Because of this, there’s no pattern or way to predict what can and might happen. Growing up and / or living with this type of unpredictability creates a life where one is constantly on edge and always seeing the worst in all possibilities and unknowns.
To learn how to live at peace and process negative thoughts and emotions, I need to live in a less stressful environment. I need to live a life with less stressful situations so that I can actually get used to what it’s like to exist in a safe place with manageable challenges and problems. I’m not sure if I can ever get to the point where I’ll never be effected, but if I can learn what it’s like to not live in a constant state of danger and fear, I can better manage, self sooth and process things as they happen.
I’m doing what I can to heal and be at peace. Writing is one of the things which has always helped and I’m starting to suspect that writing this blog is as therapeutic as I remember writing on my own to be. If writing does work as well as I suspect, then I need to make as much use of it as I can.
We’ll just have to see.
Be Well, My Friends