First of all, I want to thank everyone who’s stopped by and especially those who are “following” me. I will strive to return the favor as I learn a great deal and my world becomes larger (in a good way) when I see what others have written. If I’m not consistent with “liking” or “commenting,” please don’t think I’m not interested. I’m striving to live in the present, off line, and there are times when it’s all I can do to make an entry myself. If I’m “following” you, I value your writings and the insights within them. Also, I do have difficulty with boundaries and social interactions. Reaching out, even on line, is difficult for me. If there is a fault, it’s mine, not any lack of yours.
Just thought I’d say that.
I just got back from a walk. I try to do this as my doctors have told me (no surprise here) that exercise is good.
But while I was walking, I thought about the difficulty I’ve been having to be functional (even with housework). I considered all the lost opportunities and choices I missed as I struggled along my younger years. I thought of all that could have been and all the potential I had in youth which is now lost forever. As I was mulling this over in the most positive way I could, I had a sudden insight. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be at peace. The only thing I, actually, truly want now is to be at peace. Money, fame, successful career, just about anything you can think of, isn’t what I’ve been searching for or wanted. All I want is to be at peace. Thinking about it, I don’t care if I’m sick, I don’t care if I live in poverty, I don’t care if I never reach the furthest point of potential. I certainly don’t care about possessions or appearances. If I’m able to be at peace within myself, that’s really all I want.
This washed over me like a cooling breeze on a Cape May beach. For a moment, all the stress and pressure just washed away.
My particular challenge and particular neurotic perspective (among the many others I cling to! lol) seems to be that I always feel that I have to rather than ever feeling like I want to. I feel like my whole life is “have to.” This mindset is so insidious that it even poisons the things that I want to do and am interested in. I know this sounds weird and there isn’t enough space on all of the internet to explain, but the fact is that I always, about everything, feel like I have to. This sucks any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction out of everything in life. But the thing that I finally realized and felt to be true within, is that all I really want is to be at peace within myself. I really don’t care where I am or what my situation is, if I can be at peace within myself, that’s all I really want.
This epiphany was a great relief. Though I’ll have to test this out in my daily living, this revelation just “feels” right.
My partner and child both are invigorated by challenges. My wife says that these all feel like a puzzle to solve and she derives a great deal of enjoyment in solving / resolving things. Me? I don’t see the point in anything and I see challenges as annoying obstacles which get in the way of daily living. To live with violence and overwhelming situations, is to want all the world to be as quiet, predictable and uneventful as possible. Even today, the slightest inconveniences make me feel like I’m drowning.
To be at peace, to strive for an internal peace, allows me to do anything at any time and not feel that I have to do anything. If I’m at peace, I really don’t care what else is going on. This simple change in perspective is very calming and reassuring.
We’ll see how this plays out and how much use I can make of it. The very thought of it is very comforting and heartening.
Be Well, My Friends