More Than Anything, What Would You Want? This Is What I Want More Than Anything.

First of all, I want to thank everyone who’s stopped by and especially those who are “following” me. I will strive to return the favor as I learn a great deal and my world becomes larger (in a good way) when I see what others have written. If I’m not consistent with “liking” or “commenting,” please don’t think I’m not interested. I’m striving to live in the present, off line, and there are times when it’s all I can do to make an entry myself. If I’m “following” you, I value your writings and the insights within them. Also, I do have difficulty with boundaries and social interactions. Reaching out, even on line, is difficult for me. If there is a fault, it’s mine, not any lack of yours.

Just thought I’d say that.

I just got back from a walk. I try to do this as my doctors have told me (no surprise here) that exercise is good.

But while I was walking, I thought about the difficulty I’ve been having to be functional (even with housework). I considered all the lost opportunities and choices I missed as I struggled along my younger years. I thought of all that could have been and all the potential I had in youth which is now lost forever. As I was mulling this over in the most positive way I could, I had a sudden insight. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be at peace. The only thing I, actually, truly want now is to be at peace. Money, fame, successful career, just about anything you can think of, isn’t what I’ve been searching for or wanted. All I want is to be at peace. Thinking about it, I don’t care if I’m sick, I don’t care if I live in poverty, I don’t care if I never reach the furthest point of potential. I certainly don’t care about possessions or appearances. If I’m able to be at peace within myself, that’s really all I want.

This washed over me like a cooling breeze on a Cape May beach. For a moment, all the stress and pressure just washed away.

My particular challenge and particular neurotic perspective (among the many others I cling to! lol) seems to be that I always feel that I have to rather than ever feeling like I want to. I feel like my whole life is “have to.” This mindset is so insidious that it even poisons the things that I want to do and am interested in. I know this sounds weird and there isn’t enough space on all of the internet to explain, but the fact is that I always, about everything, feel like I have to. This sucks any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction out of everything in life. But the thing that I finally realized and felt to be true within, is that all I really want is to be at peace within myself. I really don’t care where I am or what my situation is, if I can be at peace within myself, that’s all I really want.

This epiphany was a great relief. Though I’ll have to test this out in my daily living, this revelation just “feels” right.

My partner and child both are invigorated by challenges. My wife says that these all feel like a puzzle to solve and she derives a great deal of enjoyment in solving / resolving things. Me? I don’t see the point in anything and I see challenges as annoying obstacles which get in the way of daily living. To live with violence and overwhelming situations, is to want all the world to be as quiet, predictable and uneventful as possible. Even today, the slightest inconveniences make me feel like I’m drowning.

To be at peace, to strive for an internal peace, allows me to do anything at any time and not feel that I have to do anything. If I’m at peace, I really don’t care what else is going on. This simple change in perspective is very calming and reassuring.

We’ll see how this plays out and how much use I can make of it. The very thought of it is very comforting and heartening.

Be Well, My Friends
Theseus

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4 thoughts on “More Than Anything, What Would You Want? This Is What I Want More Than Anything.

    • I’m not exactly sure what you mean by “mother figure.” If you mean some kind of mentor or parental figure which who would help heal wounds, then yea, I get it.

      I think a mother figure definitely counts. I’ve spent my life trying to find someone to take me under their wing, show me how to live and what it’s all about and generally help me to find peace and healing. For myself, I’m too old at this point to find a mentor or parental figure. I’ve had to figure out things on my own and make my peace with the fact that I will never be able to fulfill that dream of a kind and sympathetic elder…I’m getting to be an elder myself now! (lol)

      I don’t know how old you are and it doesn’t matter. You may be able to find that mother figure your looking for. Life can be full of wondrous possibilities that we never fathomed. Any moment, the exact thing (or person) you need could suddenly walk into your life one day and everything would change. I hope and wish for wondrous things for you.

      I’ve read of your struggles and your pain. Allow me to say how deeply sorry I am to hear of them. I have no grand answers, only a greater number of questions about which I care less and less about as the years roll on.

      I don’t feel it’s appropriate to give advice as every one’s life is unique. I can only speak for myself and say that I spent a number of decades trying to get through college and earn a living. But I was never ready to join in with the wider world until I better understood myself and (more importantly) started to focus on healing. From what I’ve read, your struggling, but your trying to find your way. That’s a good thing. Sometimes it’s enough to know what you don’t want. Finding what you do want may take more time, but it’s worth the journey. If you don’t know, start with what you don’t want and try to move away from that. Keep trying different things until you find something that works…and then pounce on it. Use it as a starting point to find other, related and healthy, healing things which work for you and inspire you.

      I don’t know. I hope you are well and I know you are struggling. But from what I’ve read, you know what you need and who to turn to for support. If you have a good therapist that you trust and who helps you, you may be further along than you know. Just watch the therapy! I’ve fallen in love with more than one of my therapists, but I’ve come to find that this is rather common and is a normal part of the process. I’m able to put it in perspective and laugh about it now. I just started seeing a new therapist 2 months ago for EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization And Reprocessing) and I told her on the first day I would very likely develop a crush on her! You should have seen her face! But all is well. I’ve been at this for a long time now and I’ve come to find it’s about progress, not the any final destination or goal. It’s just life. For me, I’ve found it’s just about growth and the journey – it’s the old “the journey is the goal” thing.

      Here I am preaching and giving advise. I apologize.

      Just know that there is a part of you, within, which knows how to heal and find your way. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Know that I believe in you.

      I sincerely hope that you find moments of peace and relief. I sincerely hope that you find what you need and are able to achieve a degree of healing which allows you to see your path and find a sense of contentment.

      I hope you are well, my friend
      Theseus

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, thank you so much for your reply. I’m in my early 30’s, so I know I should be past the stage of wanting a mother figure, someone who can give me what my parents never could. But I’ve found that as the years go by, that desire becomes less and less, because I realize that it will never happen. That I’m an adult now and need to be my own ‘mother figure’ to my inner child. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still get attached to older women and wish that I could be part of their world and that they can offer me what I never had. But I’m learning that we can’t change the past and we can’t live our lives hoping for someone to ‘save’ us. We need to do that for ourselves. Therapy has been a lifesaver for me though. I’ve grown so much since that first session, and my therapist often reminds me of that. Which is good, since I don’t always see my growth. Thank you for your advise and care. I always appreciate it. ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep well. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh! Good God! I hope I’m not giving advice!!!

          Don’t ever feel bad or less for wanting a mentor or “parental figure!” Whether 5 or 50, we all need someone to turn to and a support system! We all need someone to help us find our way. Flippen’ hell! I’m just about 50 and I still want to find someone to be a parental figure for me. Hell, I’m making up being a parent and spouse “on the fly” and I have to say it pisses me off that there is no one in the world who’s willing to help me along and be any sort of mentor!

          NEVER apologize for where you are or what your struggling with! Never accept less than the very best of what you deserve…and you deserve much, my friend!

          I regret not being more available to you. I don’t have a lot of stamina and haven’t been able to find a “flow” with responding to comments, but that’s certainly not your fault!

          My dearest friend, you have no idea how beautiful you are and what your true, greatest apex is! I am only who I am, but I challenge you to overreach, as I did, and extend yourself to become the greatest manifestation of what lies within. You are worth the best of you! You are worthy! You are the supreme manifestation of all the power which lay within!

          If you can’t find someone to help you along the way, I empathize with you. I bleed for you, but challenge you to shake your fist and all without, and demand the treasure within yourself. Nothing else will do!

          Don’t strive for perfection. Expect and demand the best of what you can be. Why the hell would you want anything else?

          You are perfect as you are, my friend!
          Theseus

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