I guess anxiety has become a theme with me the past few days. As a friend has recently commented, it’s a daily struggle, not something to be casually ignored or tossed aside. This is very true and I hope I didn’t give the impression it’s easily dealt with.
One example for me is working with my son this weekend in preparation for his exams this week. He’s struggling with pre-calculus and it’s been more than 30 years since I cracked open a mathematics text book. Not only that, but I never reached the precalc level myself and the video’s we’re watching make absolutely no sense to me. So I’m watching him struggle and am unable to help. Because school was so stressful for me, it’s pulling a lot of triggers and invoking a lot of negative thoughts / emotions and bad memories. When most of the previous night I was up experiencing the things I did, at school I was exhausted, emotionally drained (yet still terrified), and unable to think clearly. “Failure” was a theme reinforced by my parents (and their families).
I did what I could to hold it together. But by the end of the day I was rather frayed. When my poor wife came home around dinner time, I started to fall into a pattern of sniping and snapping at her. This, of course, is unacceptable, but in being mindful I was aware of the path I was heading down. By this time, there was no controlling or dissipating the anxiety. Struggling with it all day, it was starting to express itself as anger.
Well, even though it was still early, I knew it was time to go to bed. I apologized to my wife for my barking at my wife when she had walked in and explained what was going on within. I’m fortunate that my partner is very supportive. She doesn’t completely understand the why’s of it all, but one of the great things about her is that she doesn’t feel the need to. Love has it’s own reasons which override all else. So I shuffled into the kitchen to get some juice, shuffled back to her and gave her a kiss and then went to bed.
Once upstairs, I lay in the dark seething and almost shaking with worries and anxieties about all the regular things I usually do. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep if this continued and I know how skilled I am at getting myself worked up even more. I breathed deeply and listened to one of the local sports stations. Thoughts and emotions continue to come in waves. But as time went on and I focused my attention on the discussions of the past football season, those waves slowly became less powerful and after some time I was able to drift off to sleep.
Of course, a few hours later, I woke up. This is an issue with my Cortisol levels (Adrenal hormones) and there isn’t much I can do about it. Trouble is that when I can’t fall back asleep, the anxiety (and other negative thoughts and emotions) usually kicks in. Again, I can only do the best that I can with what I have to work with. I tried to refocus on calm, peaceful things as best as I could and then was able to go back to sleep around 5:30 or so.
Today, it all starts again and my son will come down soon to start studying. Regardless of how I feel, I need to be there for him today. I need to keep at least the appearance of anxiety and painful emotions in check. This is not only possible, but just because success isn’t guaranteed, that doesn’t mean I should just give up and not try. If I need to take a break, I will. If I have to stuff it all, I will. If I have to find some other way of supporting him, I will. He knows that I struggle, but he also sees and is learning by my example how to challenge difficult internal things. So I suppose he’s learning more than math today.
I may not succeed, but I’m going to give it my all. I’m certainly not going to quit.
An interesting quote came to mind just now:
“It’s better to fight for something than live for nothing.” – George S. Patton
Wish me luck today. I’m going to need it!
Be Well, My Friends
(P.S. This clip just came to mind. I may well lose. I may well lose spectacularly. But all I want is to go the distance.)