Even In Sleep I’m Not Safe

I’ve had some wickedly nasty dreams for the past 3 or 4 days, so I’m not pushing myself much today. No real “mindfulness,” no “meditation,” no yoga. I’m going about my day today the way I’ve gone through most of my life – in a semi-conscious state. I’m pretty zoned out and am letting my mind wander. The only restriction I have is that when I notice any negative thoughts, daydreams or emotions, I put them off, telling myself I’ll deal with them tomorrow. If I’m not ready to pick them up tomorrow, then I’ll put it off until the next day. I’ll be ready when I’m ready.

I suppose the nightmares mean that I’m bringing things up and healing. But I think it also means that I’ve reached a limit and need to take a break for a day or two. We’ll have to see.

Today will consist of a lot of tv, computer games and playing around on my computer.

I’m experiencing a twinge of anger and resentment today. No one helped me when I was young and experiencing trauma. No one cared when I was struggling to make sense of it as a young adult. Just about exclusively, others blame me for the trauma and pain which was inflicted on me. Those who do either have absolutely no concept of what abuse and trauma is, they don’t want to face what is bubbling up within themselves or their trying to rationalize and justify an abusive way of living so that they can try and trick me into accepting it as “normal.” If the world at large has no compassion for veterans or civilian victims of war, how could they possibly have any compassion for those of us who were abused in the shadows and behind closed doors? I’ve read reports about sarin gas being dumped on villages of women and children (as young as 3 months old) in Syria. What corrupts a soul into thinking that this is a good idea? What darkness infects someone to the extent that the lust for power or hatred justifies such a thing?

I don’t understand this world. I’m far too good for the world as it is. I, and my sisters and brothers who are violated and abused, deserve better.

Let the wicked torment each other and leave the rest of us the hell alone!

I’ll pick up the banner again and charge across the field tomorrow. I just need to put things down for now until I’m ready.

As the Quakers say, “keep me in the light” (keep me in your thoughts and prayers).

Be Well, My Friends,


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