Anxiety is really bad today. It’s not anything specific which is troubling me, it’s everything.
Just making an effort to do anything is really difficult and thinking about the things I need to do is almost sending me into a pannic. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to move. However, I know that “freezing” and doing nothing is not only not going to help, it’s going to reinforce the emotional pain and anxiety. Knowing this, I’m trying to do the best that I can and, while trying to stay active, not push myself too hard.
I got a job at a local convenience store. The money is next to nothing, but that’s not the value in working there. I know the owner and she, as well as just about all the employees and customers are really nice, good folks. They’re all easy to get along with and mutually supportive. Just going to work there 2 or 3 days a week is going to get me moving. It’s going to get me back out into the working world and allow me to process my pain and anxiety as I work. I’m terrified at the prospect of taking any orders or making sandwiches since this type of work can be very fast paced. I don’t like fast paced. Trying to move at all is difficult.
Tonight, I have some training that a friend is offering for a software system. Though I really don’t want to go, the person doing the training is also very pleasant and easy to get along with. At least at present, I really want to avoid the larger companies and workplaces. There’s often a weird and oppressive vibe at bigger companies and the people who work there are often beaten down and negative or very negative (even abusive).
I’m also trying to help my wife develop an online presence for her business. This is a bit easier, but with the other things I’m trying to do, my energy and motivational levels are really low.
Finally, I’m trying to get a resume together so that I might intern as another tech support company. This person is a business associate of my wife’s and if it works out, I may be able to start working for him once my son graduates in June.
Writing this down, it seems that I’m doing quite a bit. It’s a more supportive group of people than I’ve worked with in the past and that’s helpful. However, it’s hard to stay mindful because the prospect of any one of these is terrifying. Not for any specific reason, but because of the fact that my anxiety is just “on” all the time and making any changes, making any effort is really difficult for me right now. If there was another way to address my anxiety, I would make use of it. Unfortunately, this seems to be the most effective way for me to address my emotional pain and immobility. The most important thing is not the work per say, but the opportunity to get into situations which are as safe as possible, offer opportunities to work with supportive people and use these situations, primarily, as a means of processing my anxiety and emotional pain.
I must admit that I’m really tired of the anxiety and pain. I really don’t want to do any of this, but it seems to be the best way to fight the Minotaur and move forward.
Wish me luck.
Be Well, My Friends,