I grew up with a great deal of violence and abuse in a way which has continued to dominate just about every aspect of my life. Though I continue to struggle with it, I refuse to quit striving for a sense of peace within. In the past decade, I’ve also become physically ill as well. It’s an illness which can be debilitating in of itself and effects my adrenals, my thyroid and more. The combination of the PTSD and the physical illness is quite a challenge.
The challenge is that the past is present. Emotionally, I still live in the house I grew up in. Emotions have no sense of time, they experience feeling in the eternal present. In this way, though I understand a great many things better than before, I haven’t been able to free myself from the emotional pain I was taught to always live within.
This emotional pain and the underlying patterns of though and behavior are like the Minotaur of Greek mythology. I’m trapped within a dark maze with some monstrous creature pursuing me within that darkness.
I’ve been in therapy for most of my life. Some therapists were immensely helpful, others tragically bad in a way which made things much worse. Still, I do the best I can with what I have to work with. I keep trying different things until I find something which works.
I suppose the one thing I’ve been able to get right, to achieve, is that I’m a devoted husband and father. Though I continue to struggle, I’ve been able to offer my wife and child a life free of what I grew up with myself.
Aside from healing myself, that has been the goal of my life. Nothing else has the value or importance of a home which is a safe, loving shelter from the rest of the world. The world isn’t necessarily a bad place…but a home can never be allowed to be.
It’s been difficult to find a support system which I can turn to. Certainly, I can’t rely on my parents or their families and friendships have been difficult for me to navigate. Here, there seems to be a community of other folks who are struggling with many of the same things I do. Perhaps we can offer support and validation to each other as we continue to struggle with the past and it’s effects.
I hope this give you some sense of who I am and where I’m coming from.
If I can help in offering support, I’d be happy to do so. We all seem to be on the same road, though we can’t see each other.